Peace

Peace. What a small word that means so much! I have learned that having peace does not mean I have everything I desire. It means that I am trusting in God's timing and enjoying the place where God has placed me right now. My last post discussed the fact that Todd and I had to take the month of February off because of some large cysts that had to be go away before we could start more shots. Well, February is over. At the end of the month, when I started my period, Todd and I started discussing going back to the doctor. After prayer and a peace that passes all understanding, we have decided to take a break until June! It was a tough decision but we are really enjoying "being normal"! My mom was correct, the hormones and shots had really changed me, and I didnt even realize it! Todd and I are enjoying not having to worry about going to Montgomery and Birmingham. We are trying to sell our house and I am about to get super busy with cheerleading again, so we are liking this time in our life! No over the top sweating at night, no crying for no reason (ok well that may not stop!), no constant worry about weight and appearance, no more getting sick all the time, and so many more symptoms that I did not realize were due to hormones and shots! I looked at T a few nights ago and said "oh my gosh I am craving some frozen yogurt!" He looked at me and said "Yep, my old Rach is back!" It is the simple things! But, for now, we are resting in God's unfailing timing and trusting that this time and place is exactly where He wants us! Until he moves our hearts and bodies, we will be waiting on His timing.....and playing with all of our friends little babies =)

Rest in Me says the Lord

This has truly been what the Lord has been telling me recently! We found out on Monday that our 5th IUI did not work. It was harder this time because with the shots and the EIGHT follicles, I thought for sure this would work! But, it didn't. So, after tears and prayers (and a big glass of wine!) :) Todd and I remembered that Gods plans are not our plans and His ways are not our ways and His timing (unfortunately) is not our timing! So, I went back to the doctor on Tuesday for more bloodwork. On the way to the doctor my mom called. She is one of the rocks of my life, and when mamma is concerned, it's time to get concerned! Mom told me that she felt this medicine was effecting me, even though I didn't think it was. She told me that it was okay to take a break and focus on Todd and myself! Of course, I cried and cried. I got very defensive and told her I WAS NOT TAKING A BREAK.I think God was just laughing at my temper tantrum!I say that because I get to the doctors office in Montgomery and we do more bloodwork (4th time in one week!) and an unltrasound. We found out that I had some very large cysts and we would not be able to do anything this month,or until the cysts went away. What was that, Rachel? When the nurse told me we had to wait until March, I was upset but at the same time God whispered, rest in Me!!! Since Tuesday, I have been at complete rest in our situation! It was as if God said, be still My child! What a relief to be able to fully rest in the arms on the Lord! T and I have some major life changing decisions to make this month and it is kind of nice to not worry about shots, doctors appointments, or anything else during this time. We are just praying that come March 6th, all is clear and we get start again fo IUI number 6! Gods timing is not our timing. I appreciate that sometimes, God let's us have our little temper tantrums and then settles our souls like we could never imagine! I am so glad His grace is sufficient, even for me!

Do not compare yourselves to others....

Well, of course, I am slacking on the blogging! Things have changed since I last posted. During Christmas we had our 4th IUI. We spent 3 days in Birmingham right after Christmas. We had our 4th IUI and had a great feeling about this IUI. I had lots of symptoms that would indicate that the IUI worked. So, we waited....and waited....and waited for 2 weeks before we could get blood work done to find out if it worked. We found out that it did not work. So, we waited for me to start my period and then I went back to Montgomery for more blood work. For the first time since our initial consult did I feel overwhelmed. One of my nurses, Sarah, met with me and we discussed my new rounds of shots and meds. I have been getting shots and bloodwork at the doctor's office but this round, they trusted me to give my own shots!! When they handed me the needles and medicine, I thought I was going to die! I dont do blood and needles. I want to teach your kid to read, I dont want to learn how to give shots! But, God blessed me with an amazing friend who is a nurse and she is going to help me give my own shots (in my stomach!) We go back to Birmingham this weekend for another ultrasound and possibly our 5th IUI. These shots are supposed to increase the amount of eggs I produce and so they start really talking to me about the possibility of multiple births. But, God won't give me more than I can handle, right?!

On another note, our church has started a bible study for those struggling with infertility. I am really excited to get to join other women in prayer and discussions about how God is working in our lives during this stressful time in our lives.

Also, I titled this post "don't compare yourselves to others" because ANOTHER person I know announced they are pregnant. This normally does not bother me at all and I am genuinely very excited for whomever announces their pregnancy. But, this woman had gone through infertility for just a few months and so Satan took that and let it fester and grow and during Sunday School I finally called it what it was and told Todd that I was jealous of their situation. Well, of course, when I called it what it was, God was there! Why am I surprised? Our sermon during church that day was about God putting you somewhere you dont want to be and what you can learn from it. Okay God, I am listening! Pastor Steve's points were that 1. our purpose in life is to glorify God, not for comfort. 2. DO NOT COMPARE YOUR SITUATION WITH OTHERS! At that point I started crying! Okay Lord, thank you for the reminder! Isn't it funny how God puts sermons, people, and situations in your life EXACTLY when you need it!

So, I have to keep remembering that my ONLY purpose in life is to glorify God and if this is what God has for me right now, I am going to glorify Him during this journey! Please pray for us! We are thankful for our friends who continue to pray and encourage us! Notes, texts, and calls from my friends means more to me than ya'll know! Thank you thank you!

Tis the Season

This past Monday we found out that our third IUI did not take. We were super disappointed but had prepared ourselves for a negative report because we feel like we live on a rollercoaster and so the more we can prepare ourselves, the easier the letdown is (if that is possible!) I was in the running store buying myself some running shoes as a Christmas present from Todd =)  when sweet Nancy my nurse called me. She said the tests were negative and this IUI didnt take. Thankfully God has given some women the gift of empathy and during a time like this, those women are the greatest, Praise the Lord! But, she said that we would be doing hormone injections (apparently ALOT of them in my stomach!) Todd and I prayed and felt like this would be "doable" and so decided to continue on this road. The next day, another nurse called back and said that my doctor wants to continue and do another IUI in December and THEN change my plan in the new year. I had not cried about my negative test results but for some reason, I busted out crying when the nurse said that we were going to do another IUI. I told the nurse I felt like I was going insane doing the same thing and expecting different results. She didnt really appreciate my insanity humor and told me to deal with it!?! I know, I guess I caught her on a bad day =) So, after tears and prayers, Todd and I decided to do ANOTHER IUI on December 27th! The good news is, I started my period without medicine for the first time in over a year!! I know, only in the Freeman house would we jump up and down and celebrate with this kind of news (another reason I LOVE my husband!) so, we felt like this may be a good sign?!

On another note, I am reading one of the greatest books I have ever read, The Resolution for Women  by Priscilla Shirer. One whole chapter is about contentment. I always say that God has a sense of humor. This was the EXACT chapter I needed to read this past week and I have actually read it everyday this week. Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

"Contentment is....the faith-filled belief that what God has bestowed now is worthy of gratitude and appreciation, not because it is enough, but because it is good."

"By choosing contentment....it means you no longer allow your yearnings and aspirations to control you, to rob from you the full use of and gratitude of what you've currently been given, leaving you unable to enjoy this because He hasn't given you that."

"In staying surprisingly satisfied, you actually receive the best of both worlds. You give yourself permission to enjoy fully the things you have, the person you are, and the life you are currently living, while continuing to harbor the dreams that keep you growing and stretching in the future."

Contentment, what a big word! Do you think God is trying to teach me to be content in my current situation? Todd and I have completely changed our prayers. We now are begging God to teach us to be content in any situation  He puts in our lives! It has definitely provided more peace in our life and marriage to allow ourselves to just be content in our current situation!

Third time is a charm?

Our journey through infertility continues! We had our third (and possibly our last) IUI this weekend. Thanksgiving night we started our ovulation kits and had to go to Birmingham on Friday morning (early!!). We had an ultrasound and shots on Friday and then had our IUI on Saturday morning. It was a quick turn around but a fun weekend! We spent the night at Ross Bridge and had a fun dinner/day! But, the realization came to us that this is our 3rd IUI. We can do as many as we would like, but Dr. Honea said that if this IUI doesnt work, we are going to start discussing our next steps. I appreciate that we do not keep doing things that do not work, but am nervous about our next steps. Todd and I have been really praying about our options after this IUI. Our dream would be that this IUI works and we would not have to go on to the next steps but we are being cautious and preparing for the future (just in case!). I have read lots of blogs recently of people who have adopted and so Todd and I have been praying about the two options: continuing in the infertility program or adopting. Please keep us in your prayers as we prayerfully consider our options for the future. December 12th will be the day we find out if our IUI worked! Its only 2 weeks away but seems like an eternity! Todd and I struggle with the idea of continuing on in the infertility program and feelings like we may be "playing God" when there are tons of children in the world that need a good home. But, we also desire to concieve a child and be pregnant and have a child naturally. So, those are our issues and the things we are prayerfully considering! We love and covet prayers and pray that through this journey (Todd refuses to call it a struggle because it is all in Gods plan and timing!) God is glorified. We LOVE Dr. Honea, and as we were discussing this IUI with her on Saturday she said, "I love yall and want this for yall but please know I consider birth and death all in God's timing and we have to think of it that way or we would all go crazy!" Isnt that the truth? I love that through all of this we have VERY VERY smart doctors that love us but also trust in the Lords timing and plan! What a testament!

Guilty Frustration

I have not blogged in awhile because I have not known what to say. Todd and I were lucky enough to have a weekend alone in Birmingham a few weekends ago. We didnt go just because we had money to splurge (trust me that is not the case!) but it was a lot of fun to get away. Todd and I went on a Saturday and spent the afternoon shopping (Todd found a bar with a football game on while I shopped) and then we went to dinner and had a great night at Ross Bridge! Sunday morning we went to the ART program and had an ultrasound and my shot. Who would know that the ART program is PACKED on a Sunday morning at 8 am! The nurse was performing my ultrasound to check for follicles and I had two! Great news but made me super nervous because before I even asked she said, "yes you have two follicles, which means you could have twins if this IUI works!" Todd and I just looked at each other! Isnt God so funny? We pray for kids and there was a possibility for twins?! Well, Monday morning we had our second IUI. Our doctor was very positive about my follicles and about Todd's numbers. She was super sweet but did give me a very stern warning.....ONLY 3 HOURS OF EXERCISE A WEEK! That was gonna be a little hard for me but completely worth it if we got pregnant! So, we started the waiting game again. Two weeks of waiting. You are not supposed to take a pregnancy test, no wine, and just a lot of waiting! So.....my precious husband and I waited, and waited =) So, Monday, November 7th  was the day! I drove to Montgomery and was there when the doors opened at 7:00. They took my blood and then I waited some more! At 3 pm the sweet nurse called and told me that our IUI did not work this time. I need to preface this by saying, I thought I was pregnant! For two weeks I was STARVING and so so sleepy! So, deep down I thought "ok, two follicles, im sleepy and hungry, it has to work!" But, no God has different plans. I told Nancy, the nurse, that I was okay because better to have a negative test than another miscarriage. I was honestly okay until my sweet nurse said "okay, you need to come in this week and get another shot to start the cycle over again." I lost it! The idea of starting the whole thing over again made me slightly nauseous! For the first time since this process started, I got frustrated. I wasnt mad at anyone, just frustrated! My wonderful husband came home and while we were discussing this, I honestly looked at him and said "I am fustrated and it has to be okay that I am frustrated. I dont want to talk about this because right now, I cant even think about what comes next." I have since apologized to Todd, who has been completely supportive and understanding. And then I started to feel guilty for my frustration. So, I have to confess that it wasnt that I was doubting God's great plan and timing, I just sometimes cant seem to see the rainbows in the rain. But, like I told Todd, I woke up today, and its a new day and I feel completely blessed to have this testimony and now I get to go back to the doctor again tomorrow....for another shot =( No matter how many times a week I go to this doctor, the shots never get easier! We will see what the Lord has in store next! Thank you for your sweet comments and prayers. Todd and I always covet them!!

The Road Continues.....

So, it has been a tough month for Todd and me. But, this life we call "infertility" continues. After the miscarriage and pain on Sunday, I got to talk to my doctor on the Tuesday that followed. Can I remind everyone, I love my doctor!! She was so comforting and really explained what happened in "normal people" words! I even got a card in the mail from the doctor's office that said they were thinking about us and praying for us. I cannot express how much it means to have a doctor that really cares and loves us! So, our doctor said that we were going to continue on this path because she is hopeful that it will work again! She said that only 20% conceive on their first attempt at an IUI and the percentage goes up everytime! She seemed really positive and I am thankful she didnt give me an option to quit. Because, let me tell you, after everything this month, I would have wanted to quit. All that to say that we are going to have our second IUI this weekend (Lord willing!) It depends on all my hormone levels, etc. but, it is so exciting that we get to start all over! I couldnt imagine anything good coming out of what has happened this week but God has a way of proving Himself faithful through the pain! I have polycystic ovarian syndrome which is an easy way to say I have lots of cysts. So, during my first IUI I had over 20 cysts on one ovary and over 30 on the other ovary (which no one seemed worried about?!) But, when we did my last ultrasound this week, I had ZERO cysts!! I was shocked! I dont know why I was shocked, isnt God bigger than medicine? But, it means I have less pain and it is more likely that things will work well without the cysts on each ovary! So, through all the tears, there is a rainbow! So, we covet prayers throughout the next few days as we wait and anticipate our next round of infertility treatments, shots, and possibly another IUI! We will see....